What’s different this time?

What’s different this time?

  January 07, 2025    Pratik Bandagale

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Today is the most hope and optimism-filled day of the year.

That’s great!

Whatever goals or resolutions you’ve set for yourself, I’m excited for you!

We’re all trying to better ourselves, and even though things haven’t worked out the way we wanted them to in the past, we hope this time will be different.

Musician Nick Cave describes hope as “optimism with a broken heart,” and I think that’s beautifully accurate. We’re all trying to be different when change is so damn hard.

If you’re trying to build a new workout habit or change the number on the scale this year, I salute you. Setting a goal to change is very commendable.

But to give ourselves the best chance of accomplishing our goal, we must combine the goal with some self-reflection and self-awareness.

Here are TWO questions to ask yourself as we begin 2025…

Question 1: What’s different this time?

I’m proud of you for starting again.

But what’s different about this attempt?

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

If you pick the same goal or strategy that you tried (unsuccessfully) in the past, the end result will be the same: another lost year of “why can’t I get my act together?”

So, be deliberate about what’s different this time!

Don’t just “go on XYZ diet” or “give up all sugar forever” or “train for a marathon” again, especially if you’ve tried those things before and couldn’t stick with them.

Something has to be different this time:

• Make fewer changes.
• Pick ONE goal and focus on it.
• Pick a different workout routine.
• Pick a different diet or nutrition change.
• Pick a different time of day to work out.
• Recruit a friend to join you so you’re not doing it alone.
• Make your new desired behavior ​beneficial or necessary​.

Prove to yourself you’ve learned something from your past attempts. Don’t let past failures be in vain – they showed you what doesn’t work for you.

Try something different this time!

Question 2: What are you afraid of?

You’re full of momentum right now, and that’s great.

But three weeks from now, life will happen, and something will go wrong.

What has been your tendency when this happens in the past?

We ask every ​NF Coaching Client​ before they start, “What are you most nervous about?”

That answer is something they’re aware of as a result of their past attempts:

Are you going to get busy and decide “to take a break until things slow down?” Great! Now you know when that little voice in your head says this, you can prepare for it, plan to do something differently, and decide that you don’t have to listen to that voice in your head.

Are you going to have one bad day and go totally off the rails? Great! Now you know that when you have one bad day, you can forgive yourself, not look back in anger or guilt, and get right back on track.

Are you going to give up even though you really really really want to push through? Great! This happens to all of us when motivation wanes after a few weeks. Consider ​adding a Ulysses Pact​ to guard against your weaknesses or making a bet with a friend to keep you accountable.

NF Coach Matt Myers was recently on the ​Mental Golf Podcast with Josh Nichols​ – and at the 24:30 mark in the episode, Matt pointed out something to Josh that surprised him:

“You told me before you started, ‘I know I’m going to come out of the gates HARD, but about 3 weeks in, I’m going to burn out and disappear.’

And I said, ‘Thanks for letting me know,’ and I had all these alarms and alerts ready to check in with you repeatedly around the 21 day mark!”

Josh had the self-awareness to know where he would screw up in the future, he and Coach Matt planned for it, and got over the hump together.

Since then, they’ve worked together for two months (and counting), and Josh has only missed a single day of checking in and missing one day didn’t cause Josh’s normal “all-or-nothing” behavior to kick in!

This time CAN be different

We all set out to change, and even when we’re self-aware…

We often bite off more than we can chew:

Our goals and hopes often exceed the reality that we’re fallible, busy, complicated humans living unpredictable lives.

That’s okay!

If we’re aware of these things, if we can try differently…then even if this next attempt doesn’t work either, we can remove that strategy from the list of potential successful paths, and try again.

That’s all life is anyway: try, fail, adjust, restart.

-Steve

PS: If you don’t want to go on this journey alone, I’d be honored if you check out ​the NF Coaching Program​.

Our coaches are awesome and we’d love to help you reach your goals. We’ve had a TON of sign-ups these past few days, which has me really excited to help so many new people.

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The “Yes And” Rule

The “Yes And” Rule

  December 09, 2024    Pratik Bandagale

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A few years back, I attended my friend Nick’s blowout 40th birthday party.

As part of the celebration, he hired an improv comic, and we all had to participate in learning improv comedy.

(I just felt the collective shiver of all the introverts reading this newsletter).

We started tossing out fun scenarios and scenes to participate in, and we learned about the most important rule of Improv: “Yes and.”

Two simple words, and the foundation for all of improv comedy:

Whenever somebody comes up with a scene, sentence, or situation, the ONLY acceptable response is: “yes and”

• Yes: Acceptance! I accept and acknowledge that whatever the situation is, no matter how absurd, to be true.
• And: build! Like a tennis match, after your improv partner hits the ball to you, your job is to hit it back! Building on the situation or scene.

For example, if your improv partner says, “I’m a space pirate” your response could be:

• “Yes, and I’m the space police, you’re under arrest!”
• “Yes, and I’m a first mate looking for a new crew, this is perfect!”
• “Yes, and my name is Captain Hook, welcome to Pirates Anonymous.”

The “yes and” rule is so crucial, because there’s nothing worse than a bad improv partner!

Kind of like Liam Neeson in ​this short sketch​ with Ricky Gervais, (I laugh every time):

The Yes And Rule for Life

As a former overachieving “gifted child” who has quite the negative inner critic, I’ve worked hard on incorporating “yes and” into my life.

The “yes” part is built around acceptance, which is something I’ve spent the past two years working to embrace.

Check out my past essays on ​Acceptance​ and ​Wabi Sabi​ for more.

It’s the “and” part I’ve focused on lately.

As Dr. Kristen Neff points out on in her book ​Self-compassion​, life is complex and so are humans:

“Judgment defines people as bad versus good and tries to capture their essential nature with simplistic labels.

Discriminating wisdom recognizes complexity and ambiguity.”

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Things are never as good or bad as our brains think they are either.

So despite the voice in our heads that wants to judge everything in black-or-white, yes-or-no, good-or-bad terms… We must remember that life is a beautifully complicated mess.

Author F. Scott Fitzgerald once said:

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.

One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.

This is my task for you today.

Is there a part of your life that feels black-or-white, and instead could use a bit of complexity?

• Change is hard, AND I am capable of making progress.
• I failed at some goals in 2024, AND ​I learned lessons to apply​ in 2025.
• I might be starting over, AND ​I never start at square one​.

Nothing is as simple as it seems.

Life is hard, and change is hard. AND you’re a good person who’s trying.

Which means there’s hope. And ​hope is the warrior emotion​.

Also, please go watch that ​Liam Neeson skit​.

You’re welcome.

-Steve

PS: Need guidance and accountability to reach your fitness goals? Nerd Fitness has helped 10,000+ humans over the last 8 years with 1-on-1 online fitness coaching. ​Click here for more details​.

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The most important skill for getting (and staying) healthy

The most important skill for getting (and staying) healthy

  November 11, 2024    Pratik Bandagale

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In 1933, an overwhelmed and frustrated woman named Frau sent a letter to psychologist Carl Jung, asking “how to live.”

(She didn’t have any Instagram influencers to yell motivational platitudes at her, I guess)

Jung replied:

“Your questions are unanswerable, because you want to know how one ought to live. One lives as one can.

…if you do with conviction the next and most necessary thing, you are always doing something meaningful and intended by fate.”

He was sharing the key to life.

It’s part of recovery communities like Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was even the title of a song in ​Disney’s Frozen 2​.

“The next right thing.”

Revisiting this story caused me to reflect on how much my thoughts on success and progress have changed over the years.

“Success” Redefined

I’ve been doing this Nerd Fitness stuff for 15+ years.

Millions of people visit the site every year, 50,000+ customers have bought stuff through NF, and our coaches have served 15,000+ 1-on-1 clients.

In that time, I’ve changed my perspective quite a bit on “success” and “living well.”

I used to think that the only path to success required militant discipline following a specific plan. I never missed a workout, and was unbelievably proud of this.

It didn’t occur to me just how much of a ​privileged and simple life​ I lived, where I was 100% in control of my time.

(Apologies to all the parents and caregivers who read my 25-year old perspective!).

Now that I’m 40, and I can see the types of people we actually help with Nerd Fitness, I’ve changed my perspective on success and “living well” fairly dramatically.

Success happens not when we learn how to do everything perfectly, but instead when we get better at staying afloat even when things go poorly.

In other words, success is learning to be inconsistently consistent. Learning to be good enough for long enough.

And that means, when life seems chaotic, narrowing our focus down to “the next right thing.”

Do the Next Right Thing

A ​recent newsletter​ from author Oliver Burkeman talked about how he’s chosen to retain a tiny bit of sanity in an overwhelming world.

It led me to these sentences from author Eckert Tolle:

“What you refer to as your “life” should more accurately be called your “life situation.” It is psychological time: past and future.

…Forget about your life situation for a while and pay attention to your life.

Find the “narrow gate that leads to life.” It is called the Now.

Narrow your life down to this moment. Your life situation may be full of problems — most life situations are — but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now.

Do you have a problem now?

When we ruminate on what already happened, and we freak out about all the things that could happen or need to happen in the future…

It’s easy to feel out of control and overwhelmed.

Which brings us back to that cliché solution: “the next right thing.”

It’s a cliché only because it’s true.

We can zoom wayyyyyy in, and narrow our focus to something that is still in our control. In some situations, yes, there is a problem right now. And we can just focus on that one thing.

But in many other situations, it’s often us worrying about all the problems that might be, or the problems outside of our control, that keeps us from taking action on the actual things we can control.

Burkeman continues:

As for telling myself I only needed to do the very next thing… you always only can do the very next thing, then the next, whether you like it or not.

It’s a little strange, actually, to refer to any of these techniques as “narrowing your horizons”, as if they involved somehow artificially limiting yourself.

Really, you’re just consciously recognizing how limited you always already were.

We all know how easy it is for us to ​overcomplicate things​.

And when the world feels like a dumpster fire, it can help to zoom way into that next decision, the tiniest goal, and just do the next right thing.

It might involve a workout or a walk, focusing on the next meal, calling up our therapist, or ​finally saying no​ to a commitment.

If “now” is the only time that exists, then “the next right thing” is the only thing that we can really do.

I’m gonna go do the next right thing for me: take a walk.

-Steve

PS: Maria Popova has ​a great writeup about “the next right thing”​ as it pertains to her life as a writer that inspired this piece.

PPS: Nerd Fitness is hiring a few remote, part-time humans (especially with flexible nights and weekends) to take inbound, scheduled calls from potential clients interested about our 1-on-1 coaching. ​Click here to learn more​.

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The Past Isn’t Set In Stone

The Past Isn’t Set In Stone

  November 04, 2024    Pratik Bandagale

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I’m currently reading ​The Tainted Cup​, a fantasy detective novel.

Think “Sherlock Holmes set in Westeros.”

The main character has this augmentation that allows him to absorb every single detail of every interaction, crime scene, and then recite back these exact details at a later date.

I remember a horrifying Black Mirror episode about this very thing: being able to recall every fact of every interaction in the past.

Here’s the thing: in all of these scenarios, the facts might be true, but the analysis of these facts still leaves plenty of room for improvement.

I thought about this a lot recently when I stumbled across two stories I want to share:

“​The Past is Not True​” from Derek Sivers:

When I was 17, I was driving recklessly and crashed into an oncoming car. I found out that I broke the other driver’s spine, and she’ll never walk again.

I carried that burden with me everywhere, and felt so horrible about it for so many years that at age 35 I decided to find this woman to apologize. I found her name and address, went to her house, knocked on the door, and a middle-aged woman answered. As soon as I said, “I’m the teenager that hit your car eighteen years ago and broke your spine”, I started sobbing – a big ugly cry, surfacing years of regret.

She was so sweet, and hugged me saying, “Oh sweetie, sweetie! Don’t worry. I’m fine!” Then she walked me into her living room. Walked.

Turns out I had misunderstood.

Yes she fractured a couple vertebrae but it never stopped her from walking. She said “that little accident” helped her pay more attention to her fitness, and since then has been in better health than ever.

Then she apologized for causing the accident in the first place. Apologized.

And this ​story about “the good ole days”​ from author Morgan Housel:

A few months ago I reminisced to my wife about how awesome [life was in our early 20s]. We were 23, gainfully employed, living in our version of the Taj Mahal. This was before kids, so we slept in until 10am on the weekends, went for a walk, had brunch, took a nap, and went out for dinner. That was our life. For years.

“That was peak living, as good as it gets,” I told her.

“What are you talking about?” she said. “You were more anxious, scared, and probably depressed then than you’ve ever been.”

…In my head, today, I look back and think, “I must have been so happy then. Those were my best years.”

But in reality, at the time, I was thinking, “I can’t wait for these years to end.”

It has me thinking a lot about the past, and our future. It turns out, neither one is set in stone!

Which Past Story can you rewrite?

As the cliché goes, it’s easier to connect the dots looking backward than it is looking forward.

Is there a story from your past about a particular moment you’re still carrying with you?

Maybe it’s one full of shame about something that happened, but it led to something even better for you.

Maybe it’s longing for a past life that never actually existed.

The past already happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s set in stone!

Returning to Sivers:

“You can change your history.

The actual factual events are such a small part of it. Everything else is perspective, open for re-interpretation.

The past is never done.”

I’d love to know which story you’re telling yourself about the past, good or bad, that you’re deciding to rewrite?

-Steve

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Boundaries: the Cure for Burnout?

Boundaries: the Cure for Burnout?

  October 15, 2024    Pratik Bandagale

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It’s been a while since I’ve felt this uncomfortable.

I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Speak No Evil (​trailer here​), a horror/suspense film about a family who goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.

And shockingly, things don’t go as expected.

If you saw the ​“Dinner Party” episode of The Office​ where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for the most uncomfortable house party ever, and thought to yourself…

“What if this was a 2-hour horror movie instead?”

…that’s essentially the plot of Speak No Evil.

This movie is based on a 2022 European film of the same name, so naturally I had to watch that too. And boy, that version was even bleaker and more shocking.

This movie has some really cutting commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…

But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:

This movie asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt somebody’s feelings?”

I always joke about ​how much of a conflict-avoidant people pleaser​ I am, which means this movie shook me to my core:

Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!

Guilt and Overcommitting

My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mom always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”

So we went to Episcopalian church as kids.

And despite this, I managed to get all the Catholic guilt!

I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I’ll do whatever I can to not offend. I’ll overcommit, I’ll put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.

Long story short, I would NOT have done well in Speak No Evil.

I used to think this was just me being nice, but I came to realize that it was something different.

I was being disrespectful to myself and my own wellbeing!

Over the years, I’ve learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself…from myself.

I have a hunch there are quite a few people who are reading this newsletter who are also people-pleasers, struggling with burnout, and feeling overcommitted right now.

If that’s you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.

The Solution to Burnout isn’t a Yoga Retreat

When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we think the solution resides in a very specific form of self-care:

• Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or retreat.
• Achievement: We just need to work harder in the gym!
• Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!

The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.

As pointed out in Anne-Helen Peterson’s ​Can’t Even​:

“You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.”

You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight f***ing oats.”

As I share in my essay on ​the problems with Self-Care​, the solution isn’t found in a Yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.

The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.

We need to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help others.

Boundaries Protect Against Burnout

Us people pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and catering to everybody else’s needs, very rarely considering our own.

This is usually how we find ourselves overcommitted, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially feeling resentful of our generosity being taken for granted.

The problem?

It’s not somebody else’s responsibility to establish our boundaries.

It’s on us to establish them, explain them, and protect them.

This is where boundaries come in.

Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually consider our needs too. Something I never considered for a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t considered their own needs in a long time.

This doesn’t mean we need to suddenly become “I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS,” but rather, it means we need to address the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and we need to take care of ourselves if we’re also going to take care of others.

As Dr. Lakshmin points out in ​Real Self-Care​:

“To practice real self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making the clear and deliberate choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”

Here is your challenge for the day:

Say NO to one thing you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.

Establish this boundary for your own wellbeing and mental health.

Yep, this will require you to rely on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* potentially disappoint somebody!

Especially if they’re used to you saying yes to everything all the time.

I promise you, their reaction isn’t your responsibility to manage.

One final reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.

We can’t time-travel, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plate.

This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.

I’d love to hear what boundary you establish, so hit reply and let me know!

-Steve

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